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Quotes without episode titles are used multiple times throughout the series.

Mr. HumphriesEdit

"I'm free!"

(In a deep voice) "Men's wear."

"Mr. Grainger, are you free?"

"It's unusual for me."

"Before you say anything...."

"People aren't so keen to creep up behind you if they think you're looking over your shoulder." -- His and Hers

"I might learn a thing or two from the Casanova of the cufflink counter." -- His and Hers

"A glass of water for Mr. Grainger...and a tranquilizer for Mr. Lucas." -- His and Hers

"Oh! It's the masked stranger. Take my body but leave my jewels alone." -- Cold Comfort

"I make it 25 past something or other. I must get a new tail for my Mickey Mouse." -- Big Brother

(While helping Mr. Lucas getting a customer out of a sweater) "I wonder who's going to get the novelty?" -- Wedding Bells

"Our trousers have been rather restricted since the ladies arrived, haven't they, Mr. Lucas?" -- Wedding Bells

"I used overnight tan. It wasn't quite dark enough so I stuck me head in the oven for five minutes on regulo two." -- Wedding Bells

"One of them stayed for sherry and showed me how his handcuffs worked." -- Wedding Bells

"Count Poppycock, be getting your hands off my schnitzel." -- German Week

"Must be lovely being a Queen." -- New Look

(After hearing that the budget won't support palm trees and concealed lighting) "In that case it's all down to a jar of daffodils and a night light." -- New Look

"There's no need to lie to me--I work here." -- New Look

"I don't sleep with Paddington Bear anymore." -- No Sale

"No, I've been hitchhiking dressed as a sailor." -- No Sale

"If a man rings up with a Scottish accent, you're the cleaner and you've never heard of me. No, I don't owe him any money...I don't owe him anything. What do you mean there's someone coming up the garden path in a kilt? Well, look, lock the door and hide in the cupboard. I'll phone you before I leave here. Whatever you do, don't open the door unless it's a young policeman carrying a rolled umbrella. And if I can borrow a helmet from the toy department, that'll be me." -- No Sale

"I shan't share my confidences with you if you're going to mock me." -- Forward Mr. Grainger

"If you're going to put the stew in the oven, for goodness sakes take me slippers out." -- Forward Mr. Grainger

"Oh my word, doesn't the year fly quickly. One minute it's 'O Come All Ye Faithful,' the next minute you're flat on your back in the sand." -- Fifty Years On

"I'd like to make it quite clear that being of an affectionate nature, I have many friends of all shapes, sizes and sexes." -- Fifty Years On

"From now on, I shall always think of Mrs. Slocombe as 'Dear ER-ER.'" -- Fifty Years On

"Assistant thirteen speaking--unlucky for some." -- Oh What a Tangled Web

"I just bare my soul and reveal everything...then run like hell." -- Oh What a Tangled Web

"The mind is willing but the bunions are weak." -- Oh What a Tangled Web

"Do you know, I can't feel any of my extremities...it's unusual for me." -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"Do I get extra for character work?"-- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"I wish I could afford that." -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"And they all lived happily ever after for £3.75." -- A Change is as Good as a Rest

"Very realistic, isn't it?" -- A Change is as Good as a Rest

"I'm afraid you've come through to gnome-land." -- A Change is as Good as a Rest

"I've never been spoken to like that in the whole of my life! I quite enjoyed it." -- The Old Order Changes

"You called, Stevie-baby?" -- The Old Order Changes

"The word versatile has been applied to me before." -- Takeover

"My trousers are too tight and my potatoes are boiling over. If I can't find a tin-opener, it's going to be a nail and a hammer and two holes in a can of vegetable soup with straws for everybody to suck it up with!" -- Takeover

"My soufflé's got out of control!" -- Takeover

"Don't you answer me back or you'll get my dander up!" -- Goodbye, Mr. Grainger

"I shall smack your wrist if you don't stop interfering with me!" -- It Pays to Advertise

"Mr. Lucas, I am the director of this film, and if I find any artistic value in his arranging his nuts, I shall be the one to tell him!" -- It Pays to Advertise

"Mrs. Slocombe wouldn't be allowed in the club without her drawers." -- The Club

"Anything you say, Mrs. Slocombe." -- The Club

"I don't do needlepoint! Not now that I'm doing the lace mats." -- Do You Take This Man?

"Well, put mine in the oven...well, if it's a salad, what's all the fuss about?" -- Do You Take This Man?

"If we could reduce you by 50%, we'd be in business." -- Do You Take This Man?

"I'd marry her myself, but I think she's got enough trouble." -- Do You Take This Man?

"So it's all coming out now, is it?" -- Shedding the Load

"Shut up, I'm on your side." -- Shedding the Load

"And there I was, about to be washed away on a tidal wave of passion, when me mother banged on the bonnet with a rolling pin and gave her a minute to get out or make an honest man of me." -- A Bliss Girl

"You've got odd socks on." -- Happy Returns

"Sixty years' faithful service and the only sign that he's passed this way are his teeth-marks in a bun. It makes you think, doesn't it?" -- The Junior

"I expect my after-shave will linger on my bill-pads for a couple of sales, and after that, nothing." -- The Junior

"Well, we don't want people like that working here." -- The Junior

"I showed her something that altered her whole life." -- Strong Stuff, This Insurance

"Me alarm's working." -- Strong Stuff, This Insurance

"I can just picture it--brought down by a flying tackle as I take my teddy to the bathroom." -- The Apartment

"Mrs. Slocombe, I've never done anything as nature intended." -- The Apartment

"As a matter of fact, I was asking myself that...and I told myself that it was none of my business." -- Mrs. Slocombe, Senior Person

"Do you know, he saved my life when I damaged my equipment on a stalagmite." -- Mrs. Slocombe, Senior Person

"Well, if you’re looking for someone with drive, tact, ingenuity, class and charisma, I know the very person, but he’s too modest to mention his name, so I’ll just point." -- Mrs. Slocombe, Senior Person

"There's a mouse around my drawers!" -- The Hero

"I was known as 'Hugger' Humphries." -- The Hero

"Is there any chance of my spaghetti arriving during the reign of the current monarch?" -- Anything You Can Do

"He was so angry, he forgot he was detached." -- Anything You Can Do

"My mother always said, 'Common is as common does.'...She always says it when me dad blows his nose on the tablecloth." -- Anything You Can Do

"Let me try and give you one of my typical menus--um, Oysters Rockefeller, quails in aspic, deviled lobster with mange tout followed by baked Alaska and meringue glacé. Of course, if I've got visitors coming, I do something special." -- Anything You Can Do

"Mrs. Slocombe, I don't pitch my woo in public." -- The Agent

"If she's going to be there, how about a game of blindman's bluff on Beachy Head?" -- The Punch and Judy Affair

"It's not a question of not liking it, it's just a question of not yet!" -- The Punch and Judy Affair

"You are not a funny policeman! You're making a mockery of the whole thing!" -- The Punch and Judy Affair

"I fell asleep and somebody reported me as a dangerous parcel. I woke up at Queensway to find a sergeant major in the Royal Engineers tryin' to take my fuse out." -- Is It Catching?

"Mrs. Slocombe, you do have a way with words." -- Is It Catching?

"He doesn't want any money--it's just a demand, and he's not gettin' it." -- Is It Catching?

"Mrs. Slocombe, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the sight of you in that doesn't exactly send the blood surging like fire through my veins." -- Is It Catching?

"Well, we've got to have a little hole instead of the lift doors, cover the floor with glue, and we'll end up with a store full of dead customers." -- Sit Out

"May I thank you for your touching reception? I'm completely underwhelmed." -- Heir Apparent

"Well, I know what I've got and what I'm short of. Sometimes I'm short of what I wish I've got." -- Heir Apparent

"Have you seen me walk?" -- Heir Apparent

"Daddy!" -- Heir Apparent

"You drink as little as possible." -- Closed Circuit

"She put it into a pair of gloves." -- The Erotic Dreams of Mrs. Slocombe

"In my experience, it's very difficult to find something that costs nothing that nobody else does that makes you happy." -- Roots?

"If we're going to kiss it, we ought to know what it is." -- Roots?

"If you ask me, you're up to your neck in it." -- Sweet Smell of Success

"Actually, I'm a don't know...but I'm with you." -- Monkey Business

"I'll have you know I'm perfectly sober. Whether I'm perfectly sane or not is another matter." -- Lost and Found

Mrs. SlocombeEdit

Click here for Mrs. Slocombe's Pussy Quote List

"...and I am unanimous in that."

"Did you ever hear the likes in all your born days, Mr. Grainger?" -- His and Hers

"You're lucky to have me at all, Captain Peacock. I had to thaw me pussy out before I came." -- Cold Comfort

"It's either cold and interesting...or warm and safe in these." -- Big Brother

"Ooh, you're as weak as water. Weak as water!" -- Big Brother

"We just had a few gin and tonics...only one of the tonics I had must've been bad. They are sometimes, you know. Anyway, I came over all dizzy. Mrs. Axelby had to put me to bed." -- Wedding Bells

"There are some knickers that I will display, and some that I won't, and those I won't are staying in me drawers." -- Wedding Bells

"You two-faced old crab!" -- Wedding Bells

"I'm not selling German sex knickers!" -- German Week

"I haven't forgotten being flung flat on me back on Clapham Common by a land mine--and the German Air Force was responsible." -- German Week (see Mr. Lucas' response below)

"Do you know, I think this hat's too tight...it's making me feel quite giddy." -- German Week

(Indicating Mr Rumbold "Twiddle his knob, somebody--he's out of focus." -- German Week

"It's a wonder I'm here at all. My pussy got soakin' wet. I had to dry it out in front of the fire before I left." -- New Look

"Oh, that does suit madam." -- No Sale

"You have such exciting knees." -- No Sale

"Ah! Now we're getting down to the gritty-nitty." -- Oh What a Tangled Web

"I've sat here and listened to some daft things in my time, but this is the daftest thing I've ever sat here and listened to." -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"Is there no demand for mechanical pussies?" -- A Change is as Good as a Rest

"Miss Brahms, I will not have you knocking my knickers!" -- The Old Order Changes (see Miss Brahms' retort below)

"What, him? Oh, no, I'd never marry him. I'd rather have Captain Peacock even if he isn't good at it." -- Takeover

"He was thoroughly obstropulous to me last week." -- Goodbye, Mr. Grainger

"Stop him, Captain Peacock! I will not have rough workmen's hands inside my bra!" -- It Pays to Advertise

"If anything is to be located in my cleavage, I'll do the locating.... Ooh! Ooh! It's dropped down!" -- It Pays to Advertise

"If the D cup isn't comfy, bring it back and we'll see what we can do with the hat-stretcher." -- The Club

"Cheeky monkey!" -- Do You Take This Man?

"Captain Peacock, I do not respond to any man's finger." -- A Bliss Girl

"Ooh, it's like runnin' a ruddy hotel." -- The Apartment

"At this rate, we'll be lucky if we arouse anything." -- The Apartment

"When a man's got a boil on his bum, he'd better belt up!" -- The Hero

"He's the one that runs about in shorts, telling you how the world began. Apparently, it all started as thick soup, with little orgasms crawling around in it." -- Anything You Can Do

"Mr. Rumbold just can't see anybody nilly-willy." -- Anything You Can Do

"Captain Peacock, would you mind Bisselling in another direction?" -- The Punch and Judy Affair

"I'm a funny policeman." -- The Punch and Judy Affair

"We can always find room for a little one." -- Is It Catching?

"It must be magic being married to you." -- Sit Out

"I think you must have something wrong with your camera--I look all fat." -- Closed Circuit

"Yes, it's all happening in my underwear today...I've got things that are bigger, better, and cheaper than anywhere else." -- Closed Circuit

"I hung on to this lamp-post and we sang songs to keep us warm." -- The Erotic Dreams of Mrs. Slocombe

(To Mr. Humphries) "Last night I dreamt you were Squirrel Nutkin." -- The Erotic Dreams of Mrs. Slocombe

(Again to Humphries after he claims not to have a log fire) "Haven't you? I know where there's a lovely one." -- The Erotic Dreams of Mrs. Slocombe

"Now, I've got my dander up, so just watch it!" -- Monkey Business

"Give us the money, Jug Ears, or else!" -- Monkey Business

"Our eyes met and I knew you knew I knew you knew I knew." -- Lost and Found

Captain PeacockEdit

"Are you being served, sir?"

"Mr. Humphries, are you free?"

"You certainly caused a stir in the trouser department." -- His and Hers

"A remarkable garment indeed." -- Wedding Bells and Do You Take This Man?

"I'm getting a lot of air but very little authority." -- German Week

"Mrs. Slocombe, uncover your bust, please." -- No Sale

"Mrs. Slocombe, we do not make personal calls in the firm's time. Neither do we contravene the trade's Descriptions Act." -- No Sale

"But darling, there must be a lot of Fords with a broken rear window, missing hubcaps and a dent in the rear wing." -- Oh What a Tangled Web

"If one were drowning, Mr. Rumbold would be the first to hold out an electric cow prod." -- Oh What a Tangled Web

"I should like to make it perfectly clear that I pursued everybody with my blowtickler." -- Oh What a Tangled Web

"The face eludes me but I recognize the walk." -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"Mr. Lucas, at Grace Brothers, we do not con the mugs." -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"What would we do without you at the helm, sir?" -- Founder's Day

"It is my experience after thirty years in the distributive trade, that customers place more trust in an honest prune than in someone desperately trying to look like Donny Osmond! Now get back behind your counter." -- The Old Order Changes

"I could improve my performance if Miss Brahms gave me some lessons." -- Takeover

"One more insult from that man and these clothes are coming off!" -- Takeover

"Mr. Humphries, it would help if you turned the same way as Mr. Lucas." -- The Club

"So what it boils down to is that we've been called in at 8:30 to get a two-bob bit and hear the amazing news that you've got odd socks on." -- Happy Returns

"Get on to your friend at the Tailor and Cutter, Mr. Humphries, and insert an advertisement. Wanted: crabby old bag to be in charge of Ladies' Intimate Apparel, age indeterminate." -- Mrs. Slocombe, Senior Person

"If you think that every time I get my salary, I'm going to parade with a brassiere in my eye and a pair of knickers on my head, you've got another thing coming." -- The Agent

"His wrist's a bit limp, but his heart's still going." -- Is It Catching?

"Is she going through this bizarre charade just to make me jealous, or is she actually attracted to that bald-headed, jug-eared twit?" -- A Personal Problem

"Mr. Humphries is too busy to listen to uninteresting bits of idle gossip from people who have nothing better to do than sit on their backsides all day, doing nothin! Who is that? Oh...Mr. Grace! Heh, heh, heh. Do you know who this is, Mr. Grace? You don't? Good." -- Front Page Story

"Would you like to tell the judges your name and what planet you come from?" -- Front Page Story

"He looks like a hang-glider." -- Closed Circuit

"We seem to have traveled from the grotesque to the bizarre." -- Closed Circuit

"Hers (her face) is more than lived-in, it's got squatters." -- Closed Circuit

"They do fantasize at that age, don't they?" -- The Erotic Dreams of Mrs. Slocombe

"Mr. Humphries, your whole lifestyle never ceases to amaze me." -- Calling All Customers

Mr. LucasEdit

"I can see it all now...."

"Dear Sexy Knickers, I don't 'alf fancy you. Meet me outside at 5:30 and we'll get it together." -- Dear Sexy Knickers

"The sheer excitement of an announcement by Mr. Rumbold is sending the blood pounding through my temples already." -- Cold Comfort

"Mr. Humphries, would you mind holding the gentleman's rear while I pull from the front?" -- Wedding Bells

"I can tell you exactly what you'd see--tea for two, a silly old muffin and a tired, old bit of crumpet." -- Wedding Bells

(After Miss Brahms suggests going to the launderette) "I'm not going there again. I've seen more of your mother's underwear than I have of yours." -- German Week

(To Mrs. Slocombe) "All the other times she was flat on her back the American Air Force was responsible." -- German Week

"Blimey, I wouldn't have liked to have ridden off to the Crusades leavin' you behind. You've been out of your chastity belt before I got to Dover." -- New Look (see Miss Brahms' response below)

"Men's wear--no, this is not Mr. Humphries!" -- No Sale

"I thought it was a bit cheeky, mind, the way you told that Arab that you thought they were Jewish umbrellas." -- No Sale

"Must be frightening to have so much power, mustn't it, Mr. Humphries?" -- Forward Mr. Grainger

"'Look at that poor, handsome, young assistant. I bet he's fair worn out with gettin' up early and standing in the frozen snow. I bet he hasn't had a proper breakfast except for a cup of coffee in a miserable paper cup. We must all buy something from him, so he can afford a proper lunch, then he'll have the strength to struggle home, fall exhausted into bed, and get up early in the mornin' and start the whole process all over again.'" -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"See you around, Baldy!" -- The Old Order Changes

"Hit 'im with the tape, Clay!" -- The Old Order Changes

"What a pitiful sight it's going to be, isn't it? Mr. Rumbold forcing him into the lift, pressing the down button, the doors closing forever on that tear-stained, wrinkled old face as it disappears forever into the bargain basement. 'Don't let 'em have my tape measure! Let me say farewell to my trousers!'" -- Goodbye, Mr. Grainger

"Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs." -- Goodbye, Mr. Grainger

"It's as normal as you're going to get." -- It Pays to Advertise

"Well, why don't you just stand there and arrange your nuts?" -- It Pays to Advertise

"You're full of old world charm today." -- Shedding the Load

"Yes, I can see it all now. There you are in the queue, you get up to the counter, you put in your card and a voice says, 'Now, then, Peacock, what are we going to do wit' you, mon? What are your qualifications? We don't have no jobs for nobody standing around lookin' snooty all day. You bus conductor Monday. Next please.'" -- A Bliss Girl

"Little Boy Blue's tights are too tight...and his smock is too short. In fact, Little Boy Blue is seriously contemplatin' on handin' in his horn." -- Happy Returns

"It was you, wasn't it?" -- The Junior

"No, quite right, an assassination attempt deserves a sack." -- Strong Stuff, This Insurance

"About time he was deflowered." -- Strong Stuff, This Insurance

"If you get through all that cabbage, you'll have more pressure than you can handle." -- Strong Stuff, This Insurance

"Just how long have you been eatin' sour grapes and ugly fruit?" -- Strong Stuff, This Insurance

"I am the fairy queen, and now I must retire. I will away but no one's pulled my wire." -- Strong Stuff, This Insurance

"I thought they were blue to match her varicose veins." -- Mrs. Slocombe, Senior Person

"Wild horses couldn't drag the information from me...but I will point." -- The Hero

"Captain Peacock wears a dinner jacket, you know--Lady Peacock sails down the stairs in her tiara--'Fancy a sherry before we have the baked beans on toast?' he says. 'No, I think I'll wait and have one with the cocoa.'" -- Anything You Can Do

"She's had a lot of experience in the kitchen, only very little of it to do with cooking." -- Anything You Can Do

Miss BrahmsEdit

"Ooh, they's dead common."

(About pajamas) "I don't wear anything in bed. I don't like rough things next to my skin." -- Camping In

"I have never seen so much crawling since the last time I was at the reptile house in the zoo." -- Wedding Bells

(On a large German bra) "You could carry a lot of coal in these." -- German Week

(Responding to Mr. Lucas' comment about chastity belts above) "Don't worry, I'll be back into it as soon as you got home." -- New Look

"We women can speak just as well as what you men can." -- New Look

"You're mean as well as oversexed." -- Fifty Years On

(Mr Rumbold has demanded an explanation for the staff being late for an early morning meeting) "We've been stood outside for 20 minutes because some stupid twit didn't tell Security we was coming in!" -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"How much is they?" -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"Pompous twit!" -- The Old Order Changes

"Well, I'm not too keen on your nicking my knockers!" -- The Old Order Changes (see Mrs. Slocombe's preceding comment)

"They're getting very thorough in display, aren't they?" -- It Pays to Advertise

"Wouldn't it be better if he shouted up her skirt?" -- It Pays to Advertise

"He got her with his bazooka." -- Do You Take This Man?

"She started out getting a quote for champagne and smoked salmon, and now she's working on meat paste and brown ale." -- Do You Take This Man?

"Except for Corporal Peacock." -- The Junior

"If your brains was dynamite, you still wouldn't have enough to blow your ears off." -- Strong Stuff, This Insurance

"Ah! You're all talk with your trousers on, but now you're losin' your buckle." -- Strong Stuff, This Insurance

(Answering the phone) "Ladies' intimate apparel...I said, Ladies' intimate apparel...oh, all right then, knickers and knocker-covers!" -- The Apartment

"If you're not satisfied with the goods, bring them back with the receipt and ask for your money back. You won't get it, but you can ask." -- The Hero

"You mean it's twenty-one years since you first had it?" -- The Hero

"Now look, I'm not working class--I live in a detached house." -- Anything You Can Do

"We could run the canteen better than what they does do. That don't sound right, do it?" -- Anything You Can Do

"You've got a one-track mind, you have--a dirt track." -- Anything You Can Do

"May I say what a pleasure it is having your son on the floor." -- Heir Apparent

Mr. GraingerEdit

"And don't worry about the sleeves--they'll ride up with wear."

"Mrs. Slocombe is already displaying far too much underwear." -- His and Hers

"Well, I can't get the old boiler working very often." -- German Week

"You young salesmen just don't know how not to sell clothes." -- No Sale

"One has to take one's wife out occasionally for an airing." -- Fifty Years On

"I vote we give her a cyanide tablet. No--I take that back...two cyanide tablets, in case the first one doesn't work." -- Fifty Years On

"I did too well, didn't I?" -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

(Mr. Lucas asks what Mr. Grainger needed the walking stick for) "Always play for sympathy, my boy!" -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"She hates having me in the kitchen all day. She says I make the milk go sour." -- Takeover

" 'I, Ernest Grainger, being of sound mind'...that wasn't true, for a start...'having given the best years of my life to your store, regretfully have to tell you that you're a miserable old boot!' Wait, there's more. 'Captain Peacock's nothing but a nitpicking old busybody, and Mrs. Slocombe is a frustrated old cow. And as for Mr. Humphries...' oh, dear, I did go too far." -- Goodbye, Mr. Grainger

Mr. RumboldEdit

"It was a...boardroom level decision."

"Something quite shocking has come to my ears." -- Wedding Bells

"I had no idea Mrs. Slocombe's underwear was causing so much friction." -- Wedding Bells

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear er-er, happy birthday to you." -- Fifty Years On

"I shall get very cross in a minute." -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"It would be a catastrophe!" -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"Get stuffed." -- The Old Order Changes

"This is absolutely top-secret." -- Takeover

"If you don't like it, you only have to say." -- The Punch and Judy Affair

"Let's say we're a typical married couple coming into the store. We've been married for ten years, we know what we want, but we don't know where to find it." -- Sit Out

"I think Mr. Humphries may have put his finger on it." -- Closed Circuit

"Mr. Humphries, why are you different than the others?" -- Roots?

Young Mr. GraceEdit

"You've all done very well."

"I always go to the club on Tuesday evening-----no, no, no...the strip club." -- German Week

"I'm eighty, with short white hair and uh, hardly any bust at all." -- No Sale

"The boy's an idiot, isn't he?" -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"I shall work until I drop." -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"I don't need an anesthetic, I need a pep pill!" -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"I haven't been getting it for years." -- Takeover

"Deal with it yourself, Mr. Rumbold. Jumping on pieces of paper doesn't sound very serious to me. You can't sack a man for that. Old men get a bit short-tempered at times. I'm very busy...go and boil your head." -- Goodbye, Mr. Grainger

"I really am on the ball, aren't I?" -- It Pays to Advertise

"For what you are about to receive, may you be truly grateful." -- Happy Returns

"There's a great difference between you and me...I own the place, you don't." -- Mrs. Slocombe, Senior Person

"Well, you'd better sort it out, Jug Ears." -- Anything You Can Do

(Reading an eyechart) "A...the rest's in Polish." -- The Agent

"I must get back to it, whatever it is." -- The Punch and Judy Affair

"I can hardly feel anything anywhere." -- Is It Catching?

"It's not my birthday, it's yours, you silly old fool." -- Roots?

Mr. MashEdit

"Oh, I see...workers not allowed to have a sense of humour, hey? Hey? Hey? Cor, blimey, it's marvelous. Anyway, mate, we have our laughs, don't you worry. You oughta see what they've written about you on the walls of our kharzi." -- Wedding Bells

"Pick the honeymoon suite on the ground floor. One flight of stairs and he won't be able to get his breath back 'til after breakfast." -- Wedding Bells

"Pick a big one, darlin'." -- Wedding Bells

"Beer for the band's behind the piano!" -- The Clock

"Get your foot off my pipe." -- New Look

Mr. HarmanEdit

"Do you want the good news, or the bad news?"

"I couldn't help overhearin' your conversation, seein' as how I've been listenin' to every word."

"There is only one person what can tell me to get out of this office, and until that person tells me to get out of this office, in this office, I shall stay." -- Forward Mr. Grainger

"It must be awful for you, to keep tellin' me off like that. It's makin' you frown. And if you keep frownin', you're gonna look older and older. And Mrs. Peacock'll find a younger man and leave you, and you'll go all to pieces and have to retire just cause I keep comin' on this floor, which I've every right to do, since I've got to deliver this to the Gents' Department." -- Fifty Years On

"Never underestimate the Flexi-girdle Corporation." -- Fifty Years On

"Yes, your highness. Should I grovel off, or back away respectively?" -- The Old Order Changes

"I like to get out of bed before Mrs. Harman wakes. She don't look her best first thing in the mornin'. Come to think of it, she don't look so hot last thing at night, either." -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"It's bunged up with sentiment." -- Mrs. Slocombe Expects

"I can't tell 'em to come in--I mean, I'm subservient! If I tell 'em to come in, that's a fractured protocol. I am a blue-collar worker, and they is white-collar workers. Now, a blue-collar worker can ask a white-collar worker, but on the other hand, a white-collar worker can tell a blue-collar worker. But if they do, they have to do it very, very nicely... ....all right, you mob, come in." -- Happy Returns

"Captain Peacock, this very expensive model has just arrived direct from the factory. Mr. Rumbold has asked me to bring it up here toot-sweet. Now, if this was Star Trek, I would put it on the transporter beam in the cellar, it'd dissolve in a lot of lights, and reappear up here." -- The Club

"When we take over, you'll be the first to go, you know that, don't you?" -- The Club

"Blimey! Archbishop Halitosis!" -- Do You Take This Man?

"Come on, R2-D2." -- A Bliss Girl

"It's excitin', isn't it! You can feel the tension!" -- A Bliss Girl

"Seein' as this is a confidential meeting, I shall wipe from my mind the fact that I have seen you." -- The Junior

"Await your orders? Queen Victoria's dead, you know. You don't give me orders--I mean, if you want anything, you make a request, preferably with a smile lurking somewhere around your lips. But if you can't manage a smile, a little unsolicited gratuity. You chose the smile! I'll bet that came as a bit of a strain to you. I suppose you'll have your lips in a sling for the rest of the week now." -- The Punch and Judy Affair

"Excuse me not knockin', Mr. Grace, but you don't hear me when I do, so I didn't think it was worth the time and effort that I did, so I didn't." -- Is It Catching?

"I tell you what I'll do...I'll save up and buy a hot-air balloon, then I can float it across the floor untouched by human hands. Alternatively, I will study under Uri Geller, and improve my mental concentration to the point that I can move it by mental tepephathy, and if I do, you mustn't shout at me, because if you do, I shall lack concentration, and it'll probably drop right on your head." -- Front Page Story

"Oh, he spoke! That's nice, we're friends again." -- Front Page Story

"And darkness shall reign over the whole of the land until our demands are met." -- Roots?

"Here we have some stimulated grass...." -- Memories are Made of This

"Blimey! Cochise and Hiawatha!" -- Calling All Customers

Mr. SpoonerEdit

"I'm sorry, Captain Peacock. For a minute, I thought I was a normal human being. I keep forgettin' how lowly I am." -- A Personal Problem

"At his age, he's lucky to have a sense of anything." -- Front Page Story

"The last time I had a box at Covent Garden, I had a box on me head full of cauliflower." -- The Erotic Dreams of Mrs. Slocombe

"Old bat seeks comfortable tree to hang in." -- The Erotic Dreams of Mrs. Slocombe

"I'd like to state here and now that I'm being victimized for my opinions." -- The Erotic Dreams of Mrs. Slocombe

"I know what 'pas de deux' means--father of twins." -- The Erotic Dreams of Mrs. Slocombe

"You're an old boiler and it suits you." -- Roots?

"So! The arch-villainess is unmasked at last!" -- Conduct Unbecoming

"What's so far-fetched about a government under the control of a giant alien jelly hidin' in the directory inquiry section of the GPO?" -- Calling All Customers

Mr. TebbsEdit

"I can't stand all that 'hi-bob-a-re-bop, a-hoo-doop-a-poop.'" -- The Club

"Mrs. Slocombe, does this mean that we're going to lose you?" (And when she says no) "Dammit." --Do You Take This Man?

"I now pronounce you manos and wifos." -- Do You Take This Man?

"That was a memorable day. Mrs. Tebbs got drunk." -- Shedding the Load

"...I wanted to take my wife back to her birthplace in Wales, for old times' sake, to Bangor." -- Shedding the Load

Mr. GoldbergEdit

"I've got it! I've got it! Corporal Peacock!" -- The Junior

"Are you working at an award for fighting inflation?" -- The Junior

"Me? The ringleader? Never on your life, darlin'!" -- Anything You Can Do

"Sprouts." -- Strong Stuff, This Insurance

"I'll sleep in the bath--after twenty-five years, one gets the knack." -- The Apartment

"I was known as Gruesome Goldberg, the Gulders Green Gorilla." -- The Hero

Mrs. YarswickEdit

"I don't like the colour of your moustache, but I'm learning to live with it." -- Is it Catching?

"One of you wish to complain, then?" -- Anything You Can Do

"He's all lip and let's have a look at your knockers, that snooty one's all mouth and trousers, and as for her, she's just dead common." -- Anything You Can Do

"I'm two short in there and I've got a poison finger." -- Anything You Can Do

"You got cloth ears?" -- Is it Catching?

"I've got a boyfriend built like a brick chickenhouse." --

"That's the nicest thing you ever said to me, brother." --

"When my two-year-old does it, it usually means he wants to go to the potty." --

"She looks as if she's got a permanent smell under her nose." -- Anything You Can Do

"But as the food is up to cordon bleu and above you got to order early then the chef knows what tins to open." --

"Fans to table four!" --

"We're outta that, try the 'alibut." -- Lost & Found

"Too late, I've accepted." -- The Night Club

"Good evening, sir, madam. May I take your order? I think you'll find the food up to cordon bleu and above. Have a nice nosh." -- The Night Club

"Oh! Me good mood's gone!" --

"One jelly with cream on top!" -- Memories are Made of This

"Even with climbing gear you wouldn't get up my nose today, Captain Peacock." --

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