Mr. Lucas wants to hook up with Miss Brahms, and decides to draft a little love note ("If you don't ask, you don't get!"). Addressing it to "Dear Sexy Knickers," he tries to send the note over to the Ladies' Counter, but Captain Peacock intercepts it and unwittingly gives it to Mrs. Slocombe! She thinks it's from Peacock, and calls him to arrange a rendezvous; he's clueless about it. After denying it, the women conclude that it was for Miss Brahms! So she calls Captain Peacock, but her reaction is less than warm. As she is screaming him, Mr. Grainger picks up the phone and gets an earful of Miss Brahms' screaming! The mess is finally straightened out...almost: Mrs. Slocombe thinks the note was for her by Mr. Lucas! And of course, she's still eager to meet in the park and get it together!
- [Miss Brahms and Mrs Slocombe realize they can see into the men's fitting room] Miss Brahms: Well, it wouldn't make the centre page of Cosmopolitan. Mrs. Slocombe: Now that's something I just can't understand; why anybody wants to buy a women's magazine with a picture of a nude man in it. Ooh, I think it's awful! Miss Brahms: I thought Burt Reynolds looked quite sexy. Mrs. Slocombe: Well, you couldn't see anything; his arm was in the way.
- Captain Peacock: How are the sales going Mrs. Slocombe? Mrs. Slocombe: Well, in lingerie, pants are up and bras are down. Captain Peacock: Better than the other way around, eh, Mrs. Slocombe? Mrs. Slocombe: Now, now, Captain Peacock, you mustn't say things like that in front of my little assistant. Miss Brahms: Don't worry about me. I don't wear 'em. [Captain Peacock looks at her] Miss Brahms: Bras I mean. Captain Peacock: I'm sure it's against staff regulations. But still I'm always prepared to look the other way. Miss Brahms: Yeah, you could've fooled me.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [about Captain Peacock] Ooh, I've no time for that man. He's got such cold eyes. Miss Brahms: And such hot hands. Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I wouldn't know about that. If he tried anything like that with me, I'd slap his chops.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [about Mr. Lucas] He's so obliging, and he's such a gentleman. You know, yesterday when we were trapped in the lift alone together. He didn't try anything. Miss Brahms: Didn't he? Mrs. Slocombe: No, he just pressed the alarm bell and shouted for help.
- The 40" Waist: Aren't the sleeves a bit long? Mr. Grainger: No, I think those will ride up with wear, Sir. Don't you agree, Mr. Humphries? Mr. Humphries: They'll definitely ride up, Mr. Granger.
- The 40" Waist: [trying on a new shirt] It seems to be shorter at the front, than at the back. Mr. Humphries: Ah, that's because you're standing upright, Sir. One does tend to do that when one is trying on new garments. The 40" Waist: Really? Mr. Humphries: Oh, yes, Sir. Yes. You see, if I stand upright like this, well, I'm up at the front, aren't I Mr. Grainger? Mr. Grainger: You certainly are, Mr. Humphries.
- Mr. Humphries: [to Mr. Lucas] Don't let Peacock see you fraternizing over there. Otherwise, you'll get the rough edge of his tongue, and I can tell you it isn't very pleasant.
- The 28" Inside Leg: [after Mr. Humphries knees the jacket to make the sleeves longer] Are these sleeves long enough? [begins pulling at the sleeves. Mr. Lucas panics in fear the sleeves will pull off] Mr. Lucas: No, I wouldn't do that if I were you, Sir. I wouldn't do that if I were you. No, no, they'll come down, Sir, with wear. The 28" Inside Leg: Will they? Mr. Lucas: Oh yes, Sir, definitely. In fact, the more you wear it, the quicker they'll come down.
- Mr. Lucas: [to the 28" inside leg customer who complains about tightness in his pants] Unfortunately, they vary in size, too. The trousers, I mean.
- Mr. Lucas: I am about to find the 'other' pair of trousers. [as he knees the trousers, he tears a hole through them] Mr. Humphries: We don't knee trousers, Mr. Lucas.
- Mr. Lucas: [after being caught kneeing a hole into a pair of trousers] Well it was like this, you see, Mr. Peacock. My customer's crotch was too tight and I was trying to stretch it... well, them. I was... I was... I was trying to stretch them, Sir. Captain Peacock: You seem to have succeeded beyond your wildest dreams.
- Captain Peacock: Do you encourage your assistants to try to stretch trousers when they don't fit? Mr. Grainger: Most certainly not. Do we, Mr. Humphries? Mr. Humphries: Certainly not, Mr. Grainger. We give them the same pair back, and say we found a larger size.
- Mr. Grainger: Correct me if I'm wrong, Mr. Lucas, but do I understand that you got Mrs. Slocombe into trouble in the lift yesterday, and you had an affair with her this morning in her department? Mr. Lucas: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but yes, you're wrong! Mr. Humphries: Oh, what a pity. I thought things were going to liven up a bit.
- Mr. Lucas: [Mr. Humphries has been caught "putting the knee in" a jacket and has been brought before Mr. Rumbold] You see, it was like this, you see, Sir. Erm, Mr. Humphries kneed the jacket. Mr. Rumbold: Ah! You mean, Mr. Humphries needed the jacket. Let's get our tenses right. Mr. Humphries: No, no, you don't understand, Sir. You see, I kneed the jacket. Mr. Rumbold: You need it now? Mr. Humphries: No, I kneed it then. Mr. Rumbold: You mean, you needed it then. Captain Peacock: If I might clarify the situation, Sir. Mr. Rumbold: Thank you, Captain Peacock. It does seem to have got rather out of hand. Captain Peacock: Yes. It's a matter of spelling, Sir. Mr. Rumbold: Spelling? Captain Peacock: Yes Sir. You spelled kneed with an N. Mr. Humphries was using a K. Mr. Rumbold: Oh, you mean like kneading dough? Is that it, Mr. Lucas? [[Mr. Lucas: Yes, that's it. I needed the dough, but he didn't want the jacket because it was too tight.Mr. Rumbold: So you kneaded it to make it more supple, which was why you needed the jacket, you may recall Captain Peacock. That is what I said in the first place. Captain Peacock: Nearly right, Sir, yes. But what they're trying to explain, Sir, is that, erm... and coming from Hardware, you would not be aware of this, but there is a method used, and I disapprove of it myself, Sir. There is a method used to enlarge the arm holes of jackets, and the method used is to knee the jacket... with a K. Mr. Rumbold: I am aware of how you spell jacket, Captain Peacock.
- Captain Peacock: [demonstrating how to knee a jacket to loosen the stitches] Now then, Sir. If you will er, listen carefully. I take the jacket so... and I pull so. [knees the jacket] Mr. Rumbold: I can't hear any stitches go. Mr. Humphries: Perhaps it's already been done. Captain Peacock: What makes you say that? Mr. Humphries: Well, I sold it to you.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I was saying, I don't get out much nowadays, since Mr. Slocombe's no longer living at home. I mean, it's very difficult for a woman on her own. I mean you can't just go down to the pub for a quick drink with all those men ogling at you, can you? Well, not more than twice a week, anyway. Miss Brahms: But what happened to the man on the bus, the one you gave your phone number to? Didn't he ring you? Mrs. Slocombe: I think he did. Miss Brahms: What do you mean you think he did? Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it sounded like his heavy breathing, but I couldn't be certain.
- Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe? Mrs. Slocombe: At the moment, Captain Peacock. Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I mentioned your complaint to Mr. Grainger, and he, on his part, also made a complaint about the view of the ladies' fitting room from his department. Mrs. Slocombe: What was he complaining about? That he could see, or he couldn't? Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I, I don't think he's quite as broad-minded as we are.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [reading Mr. Lucas' letter to Miss Brahms, thinking it is from Captain Peacock and meant for her] "Dear, Sexy Knickers... I don't have fancy you. Meet me outside at five thirty, and we'll get it together." Get what? [realizing] Well, really. Miss Brahms: I didn't think you had sexy knickers. Mrs. Slocombe: As a matter of fact, they're directoire. Some men get quite worked up about them, you know. Miss Brahms: Over directoire knickers? Mrs. Slocombe: Well, there is an air of mystery about them. Well, there was during the war anyway. Miss Brahms: I suppose with all those bombs falling down at the time, it made 'em a bit more exciting. You gonna go? Mrs. Slocombe: Well, from the tone of the note, my first instict was to refuse but... well, he is the head of the department and I am at a loose end. Miss Brahms: I'm not surprised, in directoire knickers. Mrs. Slocombe: That'll do, Miss Brahms. Well, of course, I shall have to give a reply. I think I shall be discreet and use the telephone.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [seductively on the phone] Hello, Captain Peacock. This is Sexy Knickers. Captain Peacock: [on the phone] Would you mind repeating that? Mrs. Slocombe: This is Sexy Knickers. Captain Peacock: That's what I thought you said. I beg your pardon, but am I speaking to a customer? Mrs. Slocombe: [sly laugh] Naughty boy. Customer, indeed? Now, I'm not promising you anything, but I'll meet you outside at five thirty. Captain Peacock: How shall I know you? Mrs. Slocombe: [in her normal voice] What do you mean, how shall you know me? You sent me the note. Captain Peacock: To whom am I speaking? Mrs. Slocombe: Do you mean you really don't know? Captain Peacock: I have no idea. Mrs. Slocombe: Thank heaven for that. [hangs up the phone]
- Mrs. Slocombe: [about Captain Peacock] Have you shown him any encouragement? Miss Brahms: I've never shown him anything!
- Miss Brahms: [on the phone] Just because I let you take my corsets down once, doesn't mean to say that I fancy you.
- Mr. Humphries: Is everything all right, Mr. Grainger? Mr. Grainger: Some lady says she wants to have me on the carpet.
- Captain Peacock: Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written, "Dear sexy knickers, I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half past five and we'll get it together." Now, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each of you if you wrote this note. Mr. Grainger, did you write it? Mr. Grainger: I don't even understand it. Mr. Humphries: Mr. Grainger wouldn't say "dear sexy knickers." You'd say "dear sexy bloomers," wouldn't you? Mr. Grainger: I very much doubt it. Captain Peacock: Mr. Humphries, did you write this note? Mr. Humphries: No. But thanks for the compliment. Captain Peacock: Well, in view of those two denials, I can only come to one conclusion. Mr. Lucas: [laughing nervously] Shall I leave now, or work till five-thirty?
- Mollie Sugden ............. Betty Slocombe (1972-1985)
- Frank Thornton ............ Stephen Peacock (1972-1985)
- John Inman ........ Claiborne W. Humphries (1972-1985)
- Wendy Richard ............. Shirley Brahms (1972-1985)
- Nicholas Smith ............ Cuthbert Rumbold (1972-1985)
- Trevor Bannister .......... James Lucas 1972-1979
- Arthur Brough ............. Ernest Grainger (1972-1977)