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Diamonds Are a Man's Best Friend is the fifth episode (6th overall) of Are You Being Served?'s first series which aired on April 18, 1973.

Episode summaryEdit

On the day they get their meager wages, the staff search frantically for a diamond lost in the store by a customer who is offering a £100 reward for its return. Though they initially all agree to split the reward between them should any one of them find the diamond, greed washes over everyone, and when each believes they have found the missing stone, plots to cheat another out of the reward money are hatched. Guest starring Janet Davies and Elizabeth Larner.

Episode QuotesEdit

Mr. Grainger: Captain Peacock, are you free? Captain Peacock: Yes I'm free, Mr. Grainger. Mr. Grainger: I hope you won't mind my mentioning the fact but I, I left my purse behind on the wireless in the kitchen this morning. Captain Peacock: No, I don't mind you mentioning it at all. Mr. Grainger: No, well I was wondering if you could let me have the pound back which I lent you yesterday? Captain Peacock: Of course, Mr. Grainger, I... Oh dear. I too, seem to have left my notecase in the study on top of the color television set. Mr. Grainger: Oh, have you? I seem to remember that you did the same thing last Friday, Stephen. Captain Peacock: Yes, Ernest. Yes, it seems I'm, I'm getting rather forgetful. Mr. Grainger: Yes, that's why I reminded you about the pound.

Captain Peacock: Miss Brahms...? Miss Brahms: Yes, I know, Captain Peacock. I'm late. Captain Peacock: Not good enough, Miss Brahms. You are fifteen minutes late. What would happen if everybody else was fifteen minutes late? Miss Brahms: The store would open at quarter past. Mrs. Slocombe: Don't be cheeky, Miss Brahms. Captain Peacock is quite within his rights to dress you down. Captain Peacock: Have you an explanation? Miss Brahms: Yes. It's Friday. I haven't got any money. And I couldn't afford the bus fare. I had to hitchhike. Captain Peacock: Well you should have left home earlier. Miss Brahms: I did. I stood on the corner, and lifted my skirt and showed a bit of stocking like Marilyn Monroe did in "Bus Stop". Captain Peacock: What happened? Miss Brahms: The bus crashed and I had to make a statement. Mrs. Slocombe: The same thing happened to me once, with a Centurion tank. Captain Peacock: Were you trying to stop it, Mrs. Slocombe, or were you driving it?

Mrs. Slocombe: You know, you really should try to make your money last out the week, Miss Brahms. Miss Brahms: I can't even make it last the weekend. Mrs. Slocombe: What do you spend it on? Miss Brahms: Clothes. Mrs. Slocombe: Clothes? Miss Brahms: Yes, clothes. So the boys will ask me out to dinner. Mrs. Slocombe: Yes, but if you didn't spend it on clothes, you could stay at home and, and cook something for yourself. Miss Brahms: Oh, I can't afford to buy food for meself. It's too expensive. Mrs. Slocombe: Yes, but you could afford it if you didn't spend your money on clothes. Miss Brahms: Yes, well if I spent my money on food, I couldn't afford to spend it on the clothes, so the boys would ask me out to dinner. Mrs. Slocombe: I just don't understand young people nowadays. I just don't understand what your talking about. Miss Brahms: I just like going out, that's all. Mrs. Slocombe: My dear girl, I could be wined and dined every night if I wanted to. If it wasn't for that awful wrestling match in the car when you got home. Those roving hands, and the sloppy kisses and the fight to get the door open and escape. Miss Brahms: Did many of them get away, Mrs Slocombe? Mrs. Slocombe: Go and check the till, Miss Brahms!

Mr. Lucas: Well, so, anyway, I couldn't take her home to my place, see. Cause it was Thursday night, and that's the night me mum does her feet. Mr. Humphries: Well, I suppose that would take the romance out of it. So what did you do? Mr. Lucas: Well I took her back to hers. It was an absolute disaster. Her old man came back early and insisted on watching the telly with us. Then her aunt came back, and her mum came home from Bingo. And then her sister came back downstairs with the baby, cause it wouldn't stop crying. Three hours later, he old man asked me what my intentions were. I told him, "With all you lot here, nothing at all", so he kicked me out. What did you do? Mr. Humphries: Well I had an old friend round for dinner, but it wasn't a very successful evening. I mean, you've got to be in the mood for cooking haven't you? I got a bit cross and slammed the oven door, and well, me Yorkshires wouldn't rise. You know, I didn't know which way to turn, which is very unusual for me. So you know what I did? Mr. Lucas: Yeah... so what did you do? Mr. Humphries: I got me rolling pin out, I flattened it all down, I threw a tin of fruit salad on it, and served it as a surprise pancake. It made the evening.

Mr. Lucas: What's all that about then? Mr. Humphries: We've known each other for ages. We see a lot of each other. Mr. Lucas: What? You and that gorgeous thing? Mr. Humphries: She's a very good friend of mine. Mr. Lucas: Look at those legs! Mr. Humphries: Hmm... That is a very lovely person. Mr. Lucas: You're telling me! Mr. Humphries: And I'll tell you something else. He's much more settled since he's had the operation.

Miss Brahms: Is that about it, Mrs. Slocombe? Mrs. Slocombe: Perfect, Miss Brahams. There, you see, Madam, with the shorter hem, and the alterations to the sleeves, and... a bit taken out of the back and... , oh yes... , the shoulders adjusted and the buttons moved... It'll fit you like a glove. The Outsize Dress: Wouldn't it be easier to get one in my size? Mrs. Slocombe: But it's an unrepeatable offer. Miss Brahms: Yes, it's last year's stock. Mrs. Slocombe: That'll do, Miss Brahms.

Captain Peacock: Only a woman with your persuasive tongue, Mrs. Slocombe, could unload a forty four long on to a thirty six short.

Mr. Lucas: Oh, blimey! Eleven pounds, forty seven p... I'm supposed to get nineteen quid a week. Mr. Humphries: Well, there's probably some deductions. Check your slip. Mr. Lucas: Tax... Six pounds, twelve. Mr. Humphries: Well, you see the Concorde is expensive, then there's the Coal Board, and the Iron and Steel Board, the railways, and not to mention the upkeep of our stall in the Common Market. You've got yourself a bargain there, if you did but know it. Mr. Lucas: National Health... One pound twenty one. I haven't been near a doctor in five years. Mr. Humphries: Oh well, when you get pregnant you'll get your maternity grant. Mr. Lucas: Ten p for Grace Brothers' Social Club. Social Club! A converted Scout hut on the edges of Romney Marshes, a cracked ping-pong ball, and three darts with foul pest. Mr. Humphries: It's worth it for the annual outing alone. Now, where else could you see Captain Peacock in a funny hat and Mrs. Slocombe going home kale-eyed on the bus? Mr. Lucas: Twenty p for Grace Brothers' Staff Home. Now, that I don't mind. I mean, what a way to end your days. When you're too old to bend down and take an inside leg, you can sit all day in the drizzle in a wheelchair, waiting for that voice to come crying out of the sky: "Are you free, Mr. Lucas?". And five minutes later you've got Grainger measuring you up for a pair of wings, telling you, "They'll ride up with wear". Mr. Humphries: He'll measure you for an asbestos suit.

Mr. Humphries: Now, do bring the gloves back if they don't fit, madam. And we'll change them with pleasure. Wealthy Client: The fingers do seem a bit long. Mr. Lucas: Now, don't worry, Madam, they'll ride up with wear. Everything does. Mr. Humphries: What about a nice tie to go with them? Mr. Lucas: Yes, or a briefcase to keep them in? Mr. Humphries: Or one of our latest novelties, an automatic umbrella?

Captain Peacock: How much is the reward, sir? Mr. Rumbold: I beg your pardon? Captain Peacock: How much is the reward? Mr. Rumbold: How... how much is the reward?... Captain Peacock: Yes. Mr. Rumbold: Erm... 75 pounds! How does that sound? Mr. Lucas: Very convincing, Sir. [to Mr. Humphries] The old chiseller's trying to do us out of twenty five quid. Mr. Humphries: It's his ears you know. When they're low set, like that, it means they've got criminal instincts.

Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I came to say that I haven't found the diamond. Miss Brahms: And I haven't found it, either. Mrs. Slocombe: But if Miss Brahms or I did find it, we feel, and I am unanimous in this, that we ought to get a bigger cut.

CastEdit

Also appearingEdit

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