The sales staff are upset when Grace Brothers hires an attractive outside saleswoman (Joanna Lumley) to demonstrate a new unisex line of perfume, "His and Hers." Sales of the perfume cut into the staff's commissions, and when they discover that the saleswoman is giving away freebies with every purchase, the staff comes together and successfully sabotage the perfume stand. The saleswoman quits, but the staff learns that they have, in effect, bitten the hand that feeds them and must now sell the perfume themselves.
- [Mr. Lucas is interrupting a salesgirl's tape-recorded sales pitch with a radio] Female voice on tape: Don't move, you man you. Cover your body with me. You're sophisticated and dangerous. You're slightly aloof... Mr. Lucas: Bald as a coot with only one tooth. [Later] Male voice on tape: Stay just where you are. Don't move a muscle. Mr. Lucas: She's wearing a tin bra and starch in her bustle. Male voice on tape: If you want a real "he-man," you'll find I'm a killer. Mr. Lucas: With a face like yours, you'll end up with Guy the Gorilla.
- Captain Peacock: Let me put it another way. Do you have a particular boyfriend? Miss French: All my boyfriends are particular. Captain Peacock: Of course. [coughs] Yes. No, no, what I was trying, what I was trying to say was, I wondered if you might by any chance be free to join me for a drink when we close tonight? Miss French: [very loudly] Are you chatting me up?
- Captain Peacock: Where are you going with that, Mash? Mr. Mash: I'm papering the gents' on the fourth floor. Captain Peacock: Shouldn't that be done by Decorating and Maintenance? Mr. Mash: [holds up a roll of toilet paper] Not this sort of papering. Captain Peacock: Just a minute, Mash. You are supposed to use the staff lift. Mr. Mash: Ey, look here, Peacock, it ain't even quarter to nine. Captain Peacock: Captain Peacock to you. Mr. Mash: And it's Mr. Mash to you. Now, you ain't got no authority over me until the official commencement of your employment, which is at nine o'clock. Now if you come in here early cause your wife can't stand ya, it's no concern of mine... brother.
- Captain Peacock: Hillary, Deirdre, you're supposed to be cleaning the department, not drinking tea in it. Now get on with your work. And get that vacuum cleaner out of here before I come in, and get the bags changed. The old ones are blowing out more dust than they're sucking in.
- Mr. Rumbold: Captain Peacock? Captain Peacock: Yes, Sir. Mr. Rumbold: Can I have a word? Captain Peacock: Certainly, Sir. Mr. Rumbold: What is that? Captain Peacock: A cup of tea, Sir. Mr. Rumbold: I do not expect to find you of all people drinking tea in the department. The canteen is the place for that sort of thing. Captain Peacock: I got it from the cleaner, Sir. Mr. Rumbold: And they are paid to clean the place, not bring you tea. Captain Peacock: You misunderstand me, Sir. I took it away from them, at the same time complaining about the mess that the old bags were making. Mr. Rumbold: I don't think you should refer to the cleaning staff as Old Bags, Captain Peacock.
- Mr. Humphries: My hand isn't at firm as yours, Captain Peacock.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [signing in at work] Good morning, Captain Peacock. You're rather later than customary, are you not? Captain Peacock: Well, apart from one or two other things, I had to get my wife off. Mrs. Slocombe: Off what? Captain Peacock: Off on the train, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Mr. Grainger: Mrs. Slocombe is already displaying far too much underwear. Mrs. Slocombe: Are you suggesting, Mr. Grainger, that I should remove my underwear and put perfume there instead? Mr. Grainger: Are you suggesting, that I should remove my trousers and put perfume there, instead?
- Mr. Rumbold: I must point out that this is... a boardroom decision, and that the perfume in question is going to be on sale to both sexes, under the brand name of His and Hers. Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I'm not going to sell Hers, and I refuse to have anything to do with His.
- Mr. Mash: "Where shall I stick it, then?". As the stamp collector said to Mae West. Captain Peacock: That will do, Mr. Mash. Come on, everybody, lend a hand. Mr. Mash: That's what Mae West said to the stamp collector.
- Mr. Grainger: I shall take no part in it! Mr. Lucas: Ha, ha! Mutiny on the counter! Captain Peacock: Now, come, come, Mr. Grainger, that's not like you. Mr. Grainger: Well, even in the French Revolution, the victims weren't expected to chop off their own heads. Captain Peacock: I'm sure it won't come to that, Mr. Grainger. Mr. Grainger: Nevertheless, my staff will not cooperate in the outfitting of that stand. Mr. Humphries: I'm behind you, Mr. Grainger. Mr. Lucas: And I'm behind, Mr. Humphries. Yes, unless Captain Peacock says I mustn't be behind Mr. Humphries. In which case, I'm behind Mr. Rumbold.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, I'm surprised at you. You, a happily married man. Captain Peacock: Ah, would that be true. Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, not another one. Captain Peacock: After fourteen years, you don't know what it's like. Mrs. Slocombe: I didn't know what it was like after seven.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Are you free, Captain Peacock? Captain Peacock: [looks about him] At the moment, Mrs. Slocombe. Mrs. Slocombe: This is the salesgirl from the scent people. [gestures at the attractive Miss French] Captain Peacock: [walks over, grabs Miss French's hand, and smiles broadly] Good morning. May I welcome you most cordially to Grace Brothers! Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, blimey.
- Mr. Lucas: That must be the salesgirl from 'His and Hers'. She's a bit of a turn-on, isn't she? Mr. Humphries: That's all you think about. [points to his head] It's all up here, you know. Mr. Lucas: Not one hundred percent, it's not. Mr. Grainger: Who is that young lady engaging Captain Peacock in conversation? Mr. Humphries: It's the girl from 'His and Hers'. Mr. Grainger: Oh. Oh, then I think we'd better ignore her. Mr. Humphries: Mr. Lucas is trying, but he's not doing very well at the moment. Mr. Lucas: Just my luck isn't it, for a bird like that to sail into my life on a Thursday? Look at that! One lousy quid. Where can you take a bird like that on one quid? Mr. Humphries: You can buy her six penneth of worms, and take her for a walk along the Canal Bank with your bent pin.
- Mr. Lucas: Old Peacock's chatting her up a bit, isn't he? Look at him. Look at him. Mr. Humphries: Well he's probably hoping she goes for the father figure. Mr. Lucas: Yeah. More like the grandfather figure.
- Miss French: Have you a changing room I could use? Mr. Humphries:A changing room? Mr. Grainger: Are you having any difficulties, Mr. Humphries? Mr. Humphries: Not yet, Mr. Grainger. This young lady wanted to use one of our changing rooms. Mr. Grainger: May I enquire for what purpose? Miss French: Would you believe to change? Mr. Grainger: I don't like the tone of your voice. And our changing rooms are not for the use of the female staff. Miss French: Oh, all right, then. Have it your own way. [takes off her coat and skirt, briefly revealing pantyhose and lingerie, and puts on a very short jumper] Mr. Humphries: [as Mr. Grainger looks shocked and offended and Mr. Lucas as his eyes wide open and glued to Miss French's legs] A glass of water for Mr. Grainger. And a tranquilizer for Mr. Lucas!
- Mr. Grainger: I think you'll find that will fall into your shape, Sir. And don't worry about the sleeves. They'll ride up with wear. Mr. Lucas: And don't worry about the color being too bright. It will wash out in the rain.
- Mr. Humphries: Are you being served, Sir? Second Customer: It's all right, thanks. Just looking. Mr. Lucas: That's all I've had this morning. - Four "just lookings", three "no thank you's" and two "where's the gents"?
- Mr. Grainger: Mr. Humphries, are you free? Mr. Humphries: Well, I was just having a chat to Mr. Lucas, Mr Grainger. But I am free, aren't I, Mr. Lucas? Mr. Lucas: Oh, yes, you're free, Mr. Humphries. Mr. Humphries: Mr. Lucas, are you free? Mr. Lucas: Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries. Mr. Humphries: Mr. Grainger was just observing the young lady on the centre stand and was wondering what's on the cards. Mr. Lucas: Well, at his time of life, very little, I should think. Mr. Grainger: The print, Mr. Lucas. Mr. Lucas: Ah, yes. [reads] "With every bottle of His perfume you purchase, you get a free tie".
- Miss French: Excuse me, where's your changing room? Mrs. Slocombe: May I enquire what purpose you want to know for? Miss French: I want to change. Mrs. Slocombe: I'm sorry. Our rooms are not staff. Miss French: Thank you for your help. Mrs. Slocombe: It was a pleasure.
- Mrs. Slocombe: It says what? Miss Brahms: It says, "With every bottle of Hers, you get a free pair of stockings".
- Mr. Mash: Here we are then. "Let's hope we don't get a short circuit when we plug it in", as Mae West said when she picked up the midget. "I suppose it will take a few moments to warm up", as Mae West said to the eskimo. [laughs]
- Mr. Grainger: For once, I entirely agree with you, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Mrs. Slocombe: This thing must be stamped on, right now!
- Captain Peacock: I'm just trying to think of the best way of handling it. Mrs. Slocombe: Tell her to push off!
- Mrs. Slocombe: You've got to put something under them to get them going. Mr. Grainger: I've found that myself, lately.
- Captain Peacock: You've certainly caused a stir in the trouser department. Miss French: Yes, this outfit usually gets the men going. It's the gymslip look that does it. That and the stocking tops.
- Miss French: [as the female voice on tape] Don't move, you man you. Cover your body with me. You're sophisticated and dangerous. You're slightly aloof, yet you have a hint of pulsating virility. You're wearing His, the man-sized perfume.
- Sexy Male Voice On Tape: Stay just where you are. Don't move a muscle. If you want a real he-man, you'll find I'm a killer. Just let me caress you and wrap myself around you. Who am I? I'm the Hers perfume to attract the perfect him.
- Male Voice On Tape: Yes, Sir. If you're wearing His, and, yes, Madam, if you're wearing Hers, you can be sure of instant results. And remember, this week only you get an amazing free gift. For him, a tie, yes, a tie, in these gay irresistible His colors. For the lady, a fantastic pair of garter grip stockings. They never let you down. Keep your chappie happy with something snappy. Get your amazing free gift now, with every purchase of His and Hers! Miss French: And today's special price, ladies and gentlemen, eighty five p.
- Mr. Grainger: "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?". Mr. Lucas: I beg your pardon, Mr. Grainger? Mr. Humphries: Mr. Grainger's quoting from "Henry II", when he wanted to bump off Beckett. Miss Brahms: Oh, not my nice Mr. Beckett from Hardware? Mrs. Slocombe: No, no, no. Mr. Grainger played Beckett in Grace Brothers' production of "Murder In The Cathedral". Mr. Lucas: I'm sorry I missed that. Mrs. Slocombe: Mr. Grainger was very good, in spite of his gammy leg. Mr. Humphries: He fell of the cathedral steps, and Mr. Rumbold and the lads had to murder him in the front row of the stalls. Mr. Grainger: It was a very good round of applause. Miss Brahms: [about Miss French] Are you suggesting then that we should stab her in the staff canteen?
- Mr. Rumbold: Please, please, please! Let's marshal all our facts, and find out precisely why this young lady left. Now, first of all, whose finger was it on the button that ruined the tape? Captain Peacock: Well, it was my finger, but it... Mr. Rumbold: No, no, no, no. Just the facts. Now, how did the other voice come into it? Mr. Lucas: Well, I was talking through my hat, Sir. Mr. Rumbold: Could you be more explicit? Mr. Humphries: Well, there was a microphone in his hat, Sir. Mr. Rumbold: I see. Why? Mr. Lucas: Ah, well... You see, Mr. Grainger said, "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?". Mr. Rumbold: Did you say that, Mr. Grainger? Mr. Grainger: Well, actually, Henry the Second said it. Mrs. Slocombe: Perhaps I can explain. It wasn't Mr. Grainger who said it in the play, it was Becket. You remember, Mr. Rumbold, he got stabbed in the orchestra stalls. Mr. Humphries: That's why he got such a good round of applause. Mr. Rumbold: Now, I may be dense... but has the play got to do with this girl leaving? Mr. Lucas: Ah, well, you see, Mr. Grainger drew our attention to the fact that Henry the Second wanted to get rid of Becket. Mr. Rumbold: Becket? Miss Brahms: Not Beckett from Hardware, no.
- Captain Peacock: I would like to state at this point, that I had no hand in the girl's departure. Mrs. Slocombe: I should think not, with your eyes glued to her garters.
- Mr. Rumbold: Well, the pity of it is that the His and Hers perfume company is a subsidiary of our firm, Grace Brothers.
- Mollie Sugden ............. Betty Slocombe (1972-1985)
- Frank Thornton ............ Stephen Peacock (1972-1985)
- John Inman ........ Clayborne W. Humphries (1972-1985)
- Wendy Richard ............. Shirley Brahms (1972-1985)
- Nicholas Smith ............ Cuthbert Rumbold (1972-1985)
- Trevor Bannister .......... Dick Lucas 1972-1979
- Arthur Brough ............. Ernest Grainger (1972-1977)
- Joanna Lumley …........ Miss French
- Larry Martyn …........... Mr. Mash
- Margaret Flint …......... First Customer
- Evan Ross …............ Second Customer
- Goof (continuity error): As Mr. Mash is getting on the elevator, he tells Captain Peacock that he's going to the 4th floor. But we just saw the indicator above the doors, and it showed that it only goes to the 2nd floor.